Breakups are love hangovers, and like their counterparts, they can leave you lying in a collapsed pile on your bathroom floor from agonizing pain and sheer exhaustion. Just as your liver needs a sufficient amount of time to break down the alcohol and purge your body of the toxins you poisoned it with, your heart needs an appropriate amount of time to expel the maelstrom of emotions you may be feeling. The following steps are my BOSSY GALS method of getting through any breakup like a boss. Learn it, love it, live it.
1. Be sad.
Fuck the people who tell you not to be alone; to go out and surround yourself with friends and act as if you’re perfectly fine when you’re obviously not. “That’s the thing about pain.” Augustus teaches us in The Fault In Our Stars. “It demands to be felt.” Pain demands to be felt. It is yours and yours alone. So feel it. Embrace your sadness, wallow in it, and let it consume every fiber of your being. Do whatever it is you need to do to truly feel the agony churning and spiraling inside of you, whether it’s by stuffing your face with ten pounds of junk food, playing violent video games, binge-watching Netflix for 15 hours straight, or drinking yourself into a stupor. Lose your shit, film your own version of Tove Lo’s ‘Habits’ music video, scream, cry, and punch things if you want. Throw it up.
2. Stop being sad.
Spending any more time being sad than you need to is synonymous to paying to stay in college for an extra year after you’ve graduated. It’s equivalent to paying more for a pair of shoes than they actually cost, or staying by yourself at the club when everyone has already left. It serves no purpose and is an inefficient use of your time and resources. Don’t drag on anything or give something more attention and energy than it deserves. It’s done. Let it go.
3. Be awesome instead.
My last breakup I drank a bottle of wine, cried, passed out watching Parks and Recreation, and woke up feeling like a fucking boss. True story. Everyone has their own timeline for how long it’ll take them to get through these steps but don’t get caught up in any one of them longer than you need. Don’t do a disservice to yourself because Future You is going to be pretty pissed off that Past You took so long to start being your awesome self again. And always remember: